Monday, January 4, 2010

100% Human

Dearest Readers,

Continuing on the theme of "I'm shocked to discover I'm human" I'd like to share with you my latest episode of being humbled by my humanness.

A couple of days ago I was tasked with a huge job of coordinating a video shoot, which involved several tricky elements. The shoot took place outdoors and the weather was clear and calm but the temperature was in the -20 range so it was c-c-cold.

The first few shots went fairly smoothly with a few hurdles that we managed to jump over. The next shot involved moving to another location. I was taken to the spot and left there. No one followed me. My walkie-talkie was not working in the cold so I couldn't reach anyone. I could see everyone about a mile away but they were not coming to me. I'd been completely abandoned.

As I walked back toward the crew trying to figure out why no one was coming to get me, I was consumed by rage. We'd lost time, the schedule had been buggered, our carefully laid plans were ruined (or so I thought) and I lost it. Completely. I was so angry I cannot even tell you.

So there I was, in the middle of a vast frozen wilderness, yelling at the top of my lungs. I'm cursing and praying and begging all at the same time. It was quite the display.

By the time I arrived back at the first location I was calm(er). I asked what was happening and the SNAFU was explained. I expressed my frustration and re-jigged the next steps. I laughed it off and we moved on.

Later that evening as I reviewed the day I felt ashamed that I'd reacted in so childish a manner. Where was my faith that everything unfolds as it should? Where was my trust in the Higher Plan? Why couldn't I see that all would be well no matter what? (Because it was. We made our day on time.)

So that was my first reaction. The reaction of the perfectionist. She looks at everything I didn't do.

The good news: I've done enough healing work to have compassion kick in pretty quickly. I remembered that I'm human (shocking) and that I did my best. So I lost my sh&%. It's okay. What did I do well?

I went over all the things that went right, all the things that were successful about the day. I realized that my conniption fit had taken place in isolation; I hadn't screamed at anyone, I hadn't lost my temper in front of the crew or taken anybody out and I was even able to laugh about it in the immediate aftermath.

The depth of the anger was surprising and I saw that the pressure of the job had been building up to such an extent that it needed to be released somehow. And release it I did! Holy moly, try yelling and screaming your heart out in the Great Wilderness. It's a tension tamer no doubt about it.

Next, I looked at what I could take from this experience. I asked myself what I had learned. How could I apply it to future situations? This is the gift of any situation gone awry. Finding the lesson and being willing to apply it down the road.

The key for me here is to let go of that shame. To allow myself to be less-than-perfect. It's an ongoing journey and I'm committed to it 100%.

Inspiring Message of the Day: When I behave in a less-than-spectacular manner I do not have to be ashamed. I can have mercy on myself, see the good, and let it go.

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